Mixing families, and coming in as a step parent is never easy, but it does not have to be hard either. The following are some words of advice for step parents to make the transition easier.

1. Respect the current family dynamics. Just because in your family when you say “No” it means no, that it is the same way with your spouse and their kids. Their child may be able to present their case, or try and change their parent’s mind. No matter how you are used to doing things, you have to realize that they are going to experience enough changes just having you be a part of their life, so don’t go in and try to change the way everything works either. Make changes slowly and try to keep in mind that their family dynamic is different and it will take time to change.

2. Expect the worst. This may sound pessimistic, but the fact is, no kid is going to want to just accept and love a step parent. Your presence may be a bit of a threat to them. They fear you will take the place of a parent, or that they will betray one of their parents if they like you. So, just expect the worst, and you won’t be surprised or overwhelmed if it happens.

3. Don’t spoil them or be a pushover. As a step parent, you may want to be accepted, but giving in to them, or spoiling them is not going to help make it happen. It may seem like it makes them like you, but in reality they are learning that you can be manipulated by them. Don’t allow it! Instead, pretend like you do not care if they like you or not, and do things the way you normally would. It is okay to be nice to them, but do not give in just to get them to like you.

4. Keep your personal problems to yourself. Step-kids do not want to hear about your personal problems, and it will not help them feel closer to you. In fact, it often just gives them more ammo against you. So, keep your past marriage and its problems, as well as your other personal problems to yourself, and just live in the present with your new step-kids.

5. Don’t make big changes. Whether the kid is two or twenty, getting a new authority figure, or parental figure is change enough. Avoid making big changes like moving or changing routines in the very beginning. Give them time to adjust, otherwise they might resent you for upsetting the life they know and love.

If you can do these things, and additionally just try to care about them and take an interest in their activities, you will find that being a step-parent is not that bad, and that eventually your step-kids will respect, and maybe even like you.

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